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Aliens Correct Earth’s Math

A. Heimer, Staff Writer

A message was received from outer space that appears to be a response to the 1974 Arecibo interstellar radio transmission to Globular Cluster 13.  Earth’s original message to the Universe was written in binary code and included details of humans, our DNA makeup, some basic mathematics and our position in our solar system. A recently discovered recurring radio burst from a distant galaxy, which repeats every 16.35 earth days, had puzzled scientists until Asa Fatah, a 13-year-old Palestinian refugee, using only a stick and a few handfuls of sand, managed to spot a cyno-logistical pattern that had baffled science’s greatest minds.

According to the decoded message, Earth failed its math exam. Who knew Pi was finite? Earthlings had never calculated it that far, as the extra-terrestrial message snarkily pointed out, calling it “typical sloppy earth math.” The mathematical world has been stunned by Asa’s discovery which shows that Alien math uses Base-Pi. The most powerful quantum computers on Earth do not have the processing capacity to make even basic calculations in Base-Pi. Apparently there are many undiscovered (by humans) numbers that have been obscured by our addiction to Base-10.

 The world is reeling from the news and its ramifications. The Dow Jones suffered an unprecedented drop at the news that all its numbers are wrong. Politicians and the elite have gone into “bunker mode.” Many businesses have shut down. Classes have been canceled at schools world-wide while administrators and teachers struggle to understand the new alien math.

Panic buying has begun in many cities as people are beginning to understand that numbers no longer add up. Many line up for hours to buy as many supplies as they can at stores where dollars are still accepted.  Price gouging has become the new normal. One enterprising couple in Tennessee bought up all the toilet seat covers in a 300-mile radius and are hoping to make a killing by selling them for “only 99.99 ‘Murican dollars each.” So far demand has not caught up with their supply.

Geneticists who have previously labeled 98% of our genetic structure “junk DNA” are struggling to understand the single reference in the decoded response which had simply crossed out the original diagram of DNA and marked it “STOOPID.”

Scientists are only beginning to understand the implications of the alien message. The Arecibo message, written in 1974 by Carl Sagan, included a crude pictogram of a human form, which was sent back to Earth with a mustache scribbled on its face and a scrawled message which roughly translates to, ”Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

A. Heimer can be reached at [email protected]