Four More Years: Bush Tightens Bible Belt

Special to El Vaquero

Well, Bush won. Everyone was saying how this was possibly the biggest election to ever take place in this country but it looks like it turned out to be one of the biggest disappointments, too.

For the last four years, half of the people whom George Bush barraged with his machine gun of blatant lies still cast their vote for him. What could they have been thinking? Were they doing their patriotic duty to America? Upholding core American values? Or maybe it’s just brain damage. Who knows?

It’s starting to look like things might have turned out better if we just let the South have their own country when they wanted it. We could probably throw the Midwest in there, too, at this point.

Then maybe they could have what they really want: a government centered around the Christian religion, replete with illegal abortions, the Ten Commandments in every public school and a handful of troops occupying any country that looks at them the wrong way.

That way, the other half of the country, you know, the half that aren’t dimwitted masochists begging for four more years of being bitch-slapped by the master puppeteers, can maintain some reasonable level of individual freedom of thought and lifestyle.

No, really, it’s not all that bad of an idea. In this new country, with Bush as monarch-in-chief — no, make that emperor-in-chief — he’s got some countries to conquer. Dubya’s fans will never have to say goodbye to his slow-witted charm.

And when he’s moved on to that great billion-dollar ranch in the sky, he can simply pass the torch on to another backwards, fundamentalist despot following in his footsteps. Think of how thrilled the people of this newfound country would be! Not only would gay marriage be banned, but with none of those annoying civil libertarians standing in the way, homosexuality itself would be grounds for imprisonment. Maybe execution, who knows? After all, they endanger the traditional family structure.

And there wouldn’t be any need to worry about terrorism, since no Middle Eastern people, or even anyone resembling a Middle Eastern person, would be allowed in the country. In fact, let’s just make it a country only white people are allowed to live in. That would take care of most of the problems, wouldn’t it?

And we’ll tighten up those marijuana laws. We’re going back to the old way of doing things. Reefer madness is no joke and it needs to be taken care of. Anyone found possessing even the smallest amounts of marijuana will be jailed, and a judge will determine whether or not a trial is required.

Maybe there will be a push to bring back prohibition. Anything’s possible.

As long as no one mentions George’s cocaine habit from back in his college days. But liberals just made that up anyway because conservatives don’t do drugs! Rush Limbaugh was innocent. He’s a good moral man.

Okay, so while this all might sound a little exaggerated, it sort of represents the most extreme fears that a man like Bush can conjure up. We’re not going to outlaw being un-white, and it’s pretty safe to say there will be no ban on homosexuality.

But Bush did say a dictatorship would be easier if he were the dictator, and maybe this is why.

Perhaps this is closer to his vision of a perfect America than we like to think. And while even if it is, and he thankfully could never carry it out, it’s still scary to think of what an extremist maniac we have running our country for four years.

It’s even scarier to think that this time, he won the popular and the electoral vote.

Sure, people are fond of sayings things like “God Bless America,” but I think it’s about time people changed their tune to “God Save Us All.”