Glendale Community College campus was hit with a devastating cold spell last week, forcing students to burn scantrons to stave off the impending hypothermia.

The sub-60 degree temperatures rolled through the normally sunny Southern California campus, pressing students into the inner reaches of the school, where they huddled with strangers and lit small fires made of valuable test-taking materials.

“I burned through nearly $8.50 in Scantrons alone,” said sophomore accounting major Jonathan Gomez, fighting away the tears as he tried to recall the order of events of that freezing February morning. “I had Bluebooks in my backpack, but I couldn’t find the will to use them.”

Gomez said the $1.50 price per Bluebook was too much to justify. Without additional objects to burn, he was forced to brave the cold on his own. He lost four fingers to frostbite.

Verdugo Fire Academy members conducted search and rescue efforts across campus and nearby parking lots. Multiple students were found in their cars with the heat on full blast. “I decided to wait out the cold in my car,” said freshman Michael Goodman. “It said it was 59 degrees outside, for Christ’s sake. I’m not risking myself for a 65-minute lecture on the gender fluidity of north African baboons.”

Economics professor Rhona Ava knew something was up when her students were late for class. “They’re all normally five or ten minutes late – we’re talking about college students, after all.” said Ava. “But when twenty minutes passed, I called for help.”

Students equipped themselves with thick winter coats, fur hoodies, and waterproof boots to no avail.

“It was so cold, I just … I couldn’t even,” said student Christina White, whose toes were left cold and numb despite her prepping for the day’s brutal weather forecast with her black Dawna Ugg winter boots. “I could even see my breath.”

Glendale College administrators are seeking federal assistance to reimburse the college for lost dollars spent on recovery efforts. “A light drizzle is in the upcoming forecast,” said GCC President Brian Weltz. “We need all hands on deck.”

Ken Allard can be reached at [email protected].