Lose 60 Pounds in 16 Weeks:

Ashley Chang

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger may eliminate 77,000 new college grants for students in financial need due to California’s budget crisis, said the Los Angeles Times in May 2009.

In response to the decrease in financial aid, a diet plan has been proposed: Lose 60 Pounds in 16 Weeks: The (Lack of) Financial Aid Diet Plan.

Can’t afford a parking pass? No problem. It’s all part of The (Lack of) Financial Aid Diet Plan. Park your sedans, vans, and trucks one mile above the campus on Mountain Street in the residential areas. But you better hurry back. The parking enforcement is sure to grant a ticket for that.

You’re sure to drop pounds instantly walking up and down those hills daily. Though the hills may be intimidating, don’t despair. It’s the scenic route.

You’ll also need a part-time job, maybe two. “California [may be] the first state in the recession-battered nation to eliminate student financial aid while raising college tuition,” reported the Los Angeles Times.

Try and turn that frown upside down. No one said this would be easy. Going from work to school, school to work, you’re sure to miss a few meals here and there. This way, you’re guaranteed to see those inches disappear from your muffin-top abs, tree-trunk thighs, and bulging arms.

You can’t stop there. The “fast-lane” lifestyle requires fuel and a lot of it. Say hello to your new best friend, caffeine. Missed meals along with high intakes of caffeine will certainly give you the occasional jitters, but don’t worry, the jitters mean it’s working.

We all know the stress and anxiety of spending hundreds of dollars on textbooks each semester. The average college student will spend almost $700 this year on textbooks alone, said the Student Monitor, an independent research firm. The (Lack of) Financial Aid Diet plan has eliminated that stress for you. We won’t give you the money to purchase any. See, it’s easy as pie!

You’ll be forced to use the textbooks on reserve at the GCC Library. Remember, there’s only one textbook available per class for students, so don’t walk, run! We’re all in the same rat-race.

All diet plans reach the inevitable “plateau effect.” With The (Lack of) Financial Aid Diet plan, you need not worry about such setbacks. Midterms are right around the corner! You’ll be walking, running, and rolling down that mile on Mountain Street more frequently than ever. Bye-bye, plateau effect!

As your 16 weeks come to an end and your body is still holding onto those last, pesky pounds, do not give up. The stress and anxiety from finals weeks will surely shed them right off.

The Lose 60 Pounds in 16 Weeks: The (Lack of) Financial Aid Diet Plan is sure to sell out and lose all funds quickly, so hurry while supplies last. “Community colleges [could] see $6 billion in cuts, likely dropping the amount schools would get for each student by about $1,000 annually,” if Gov. Schwarzenegger’s proposal is passed, said the San Francisco Chronicle.

Now, who said getting an education was easy?