Staffer Probes the Dark Heart of Celebrity

Graig Agop

Hi, I’m Graig and I’m horrible. I tell it like I see it; and I see everything for what it truly is, and that’s ugly.

The dirty underbelly of celebrity is not for the faint of heart. I’m a ticket broker, autograph dealer and celebrity photographer.

I’m ruthless when I have to be. But when I’m not busy being aggressive, I’m – like – really nice. I am usually running around Hollywood getting work done but – me so tired. So I decided to give myself a week off. well, the writers who are striking decided to give me a week off. Those ingrates.

So, instead of stalking the money machines who are the typical Hollywood socialites, I decided to take it slow and see a couple concerts instead.

With $60 tickets being scalped from anywhere to $200 to $2,000 apiece, and 20 thousand needy, spoiled, 8-and-a-half-year-old little divas in cheap wigs, non-functional headsets and armed with glow sticks. I ask you, Is there a better way to spend your Wednesday night? God no.

It was party time at the Staples Center as Miley Cyrus and her better half, Hannah Montana, hit stage with the Jonas Brothers and made these tiny tarts squeal and their parents reminisce over how their accounts looked before writing those monstrously huge checks. I, of course, was there trying to out-do the wannabe Hannah Montana kids who where dressed like pre-teen hookers from New Jersey in front of me. Click!

Why Hanna Montana? The idea of an artist who has a split personality was enough to make me dig deep into my pockets and dish out $450 dollars for a freaking nosebleed seat. Fortunately, this big production didn’t disappoint. Miley had me all emotional. I was holding back tears during “Rock star,” “See you Again,” “GNO,” and “Party with us.”

Both Hannah and Miley preformed 10 song sets each. Jonas Brothers performed in between sets, which gave crazy Miley enough time to make the dramatic switch from a blond to a brunette. Wow, amazing.

Vanessa Carlton’s “Nolita” fairytale came to life during the Haunted Club Tour at the Ivar Theatre in Hollywood on Nov. 7. I met Vanessa before the show, “I’m trying to sneak off and I got locked out of my own show” she said as she giggled, and signed my CD, then walked up to a waiting SUV in front of the theatre.

The performance started a bit late, But as soon everyone was let in, smoke consumed the audience as Carlton took stage wearing a medieval off-white gown and black vest.

Carlton, along with her violinist, performed 15 songs off her albums “Be Not Nobody,” “Harmonium,” and, “Heroes and Thieves,” including “White Houses,” “A Thousand Miles,” and “Ordinary Day.”
Carlton’s clever and funny comments and stories were amusing; at one point she announced to the audience that there was no bar and she felt like there should have been a warning on the tickets so we could take our own flasks. Instead, she promised us a musical buzz. The soft lights silhouetted Carlton beautifully, and the 320-seat theater provided the perfect setting for this intimate concert experience.

Many artists are releasing new albums to coincide with the holiday buying season. Clearly the word “album” is being used loosely. Carpet-munching diva Ms. Alicia Keys, comes to mind immediately. Keys’ fourth album, entitled “As I Am” was to be unleashed Tuesday. Although we have no choice but to take her as she is, this album, like her acne-infested face, has lots of flaws. Key’s latest CD is just as ungodly as her latest single “No One.” I say no one should be buying this horrid album.

On the other hand, the new Britney is like the old Britney; mediocre pop at its best! But you can look forward to upcoming releases from Celine Dion, Spice Girls, The Killers, Amy Winehouse, and Ashlee Simpson before the year is over. Yay!

Kanye West’s mother Donda West died last Saturday. I bet Kanye is feeling so much “Stronger.” My condolences go out to MTV and the rest of the world who still have to deal with him. Why do I feel like I got some sort of revenge? Like I won or we are now even. Maybe since Kanye is so full of himself, that you watch him just hoping to see him fail. Maybe this is his majesty’s wake up call.

A pregnant Jennifer Lopez finally realized her potential from looking like a cow to actually becoming one. The bitch is allegedly having twins. She better be. Congrats you whore! OMG!

Kelly Osbourne has hurt her back, an injury described as a “slipped disk” and pulled out of her role as Momma Morton in “Chicago.” What the hell is a slipped disc? Get well Kelly.

You know you’re f*cked up when Amy Winehouse comes up to you at a bar and tells you you’re drunk. Well she hasn’t yet, but Amy please go and tell Nick Hogan he has had enough! He recently crippled his friend, who is now a vegetable, in a drunk driving incident, got away with it and he still won’t stop! I pray that they make him switch places with Lane Garrison.that poor man.

‘Til next time – writers stop striking, you’re ruining my life, don’t accept any rides from Nick Hogan, and say no to Beyonce, bye bitches!