Graig’s ‘New Deal’ Solves Budget Crisis

Graig Agop

Warning: sensitive individuals should not read this column. Graig Agop’s “New Deal” is a brutal system of reorganization designed to bring the campus into economic solvency, but at tremendous cost to our cherished historic institutions. Some departments will be dissolved, others reduced to a shadow of their former glory. Privatization will transform some of our facilities into commercial enterprises, which was never before considered by the administration. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this columnist is desperate!

For my next trick I will make the school’s budget crisis disappear! It’s not as easy as it sounds; it’s actually much easier. I will use the method the United States Postal Service likes to call “priority.” It takes 2-3 days and it’s guaranteed to take us where we need to go; a place with financial stability.

Of course, this restructuring will start here at the El Vaquero newsroom. We will do our part by printing our papers on nori – Japanese seaweed paper. Crazy? Expensive? NO! The key is recycling! The next link in the belt-tightening chain is the culinary arts department where they will be able to use all of our recycled papers it to wrap rice and fish on “Sushi Saturdays,” a hitherto untapped source of revenues. Sushi Saturdays! How green and festive! I know I’m in!

“Sushi Saturdays” will also help our top chefs get creative since I plan to pawn all their cooking appliances and replace them with 36 easy bake ovens. Why? Simple – they take up less room, use less energy, and cost several dollars less! I say a great chef is like great photographer, it doesn’t matter what camera you’re using, or how big the lens is, it’s what you can do with your lens that separates you from the rest of the pornographers, er, I mean photographers.

Speaking of the photo department, the Graig Agop New Deal won’t affect them as much during school hours but, from 9:30 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. the darkroom will turn into ’90s goth-grunge pub and brewery for desperate and hopeless misfits. It is a mistake to assume that the Glendale campus’ productive hours should be limited to 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday through Thursday and a few hours on Fridays and Saturdays; think of the “after hours” profits we’re missing out on. So if you have 7:15 a.m. photo class bring a broom and a plastic bag and hope that nobody had Indian food the night before!

Unfortunately, the art department won’t be as lucky. It is with deep regret that I must inform you that we must get rid of the art department all together. Ok, I’ll be honest. This is partially motivated by spite, not just economic expedience. Don’t look at me that way – I have my reasons.

Whoever said that “art is what you make it” is just plain wrong. Check out the current display; between the 40-foot chain and can of Raid, it’s a freaking death trap! The tipi made of tin cans and sticks isn’t doing it for me either. We could save dozens of dollars and alleviate some of the expense incurred by the maintenance department by simply modifying the arts curriculum. Here’s how it works – students will fulfill their art requirement by doing installments of “campus art.” They will paint the out-of-date buildings a nice, solid eggshell white, and limit their “creativity” to brush stroke techniques.

The theater arts department did not have much to begin with, and it is immoral to take from the poor. I don’t have morals, but I have something with heart-like features. So I will give them all the leftover supplies from what used to be called the “art department.” Hopefully, they will make better use of them, and since I am so nice I will throw in a sewing machine and a roll of fabric. All I want in return is not to see any more of those ill- fitting Depression-era costumes. We may be in the biggest economic downturn since 1930, but there’s no reason to wear the same jacket. I would take a cut from any box office proceeds, but you still haven’t finished making payments on the “Bat Boy” suit.

Next, we will transform the library into an airport security terminal extension of BUR, the Burbank International Airport. Passengers will be frisked and fondled, then shuttled to the airport during the busy holiday season. To keep expenses low, we will hire prisoners on work-release to staff our high-security terminal. Frequent fliers save time, and GCC makes money – it’s a win-win situation. As an added bonus, registration materials and college brochures will be thrust upon all holiday travelers.

Fact: the book store sells books.

Fact: after the first two weeks of the semester it has performed its intended function and becomes completely useless.

So how about this? We remodel it into a CVS drugstore to satisfy all of our prescription drug and alcohol needs. Don’t look at me that way! I drink because I can’t cross-multiply! And if that campus smoking ban goes through, we’ll make a fortune in nicotine patches.

Obviously, we will have to lay off everyone in the math department because life is too short for parenthesis, then exponents, then multiplication, then division, then addition, then subtraction. Excuse me; I just don’t have the time. Besides, the answers are in the back of the book.

The last department on my “short list” gives voices to everyone. That isn’t so bad, but many of those folks are just plain insane and with the skills to argue persuasively they can be dangerous. Dangerous and vocal and convincing. So we will cut all expenses for “crazy pills” in the speech department. They use them like athletes use steroids COLUMNand they cost a lot. Let’s see what they can do without these “uppers” and then we’ll decide if they can stay. Maybe we can work something out with the CVS/GCC bookstore.

Finally, I’m instituting an agricultural program. Vaquero plaza will be transformed into a verdant orchard where we will grow and harvest fruit – move over Sunkist! On “Fruity Fridays” you can grab a smoothie, then go get fondled at the BUR field station terminal, raise your voice in a speech class, paint the San Rafael building, and then head over to the photo lab for a night of gothic-grunge clubbing! And Saturday we’ll have some newspaper sushi. We have come so far that even UCLA has nothing on us! Thanks for choosing “priority” and you’re so welcome!