Vote for Sexy – Staffer Makes Politics Personal

Graig Agop

The presidential election coming up on Nov. 4 can be bewildering, but celebrity columnist Graig Agop simplifies the voting process with his personal insights and observations.

I know what you’re thinking, since when was it my job, someone who thinks the main difference between Republican and Democrats is receding hairlines, to discuss politics? I’m not going to lie; the last election I voted in was for best female
artist at the Kids Choice Awards. Now that I have established credibility amongst my readers, I will go on.

I decided that I do have a say in this election since news networks got fed up with being neglected and started reporting about the celebrity pink peek-a-boo of the week. They blurred the line between entertainment and politics with misleading headlines such as “Black Man and Woman Run for Presidency.” So basically, people wouldn’t watch the news so they tricked them by making the news more like a celebrity turkey shoot. This gimmick has slapped politics on the ass and startled it into crossing the line into entertainment and that where I come in. It is my territory, so take off shoes your and do as I say.

“Bareback” Obama, “Bland” Biden, John “Get a Cane” McCain, and “Sexy Sarah” Palin, are this years’ nominees for president! How festive.

I’m going through some hard times. My friends haven’t talked to me ever since I moved, blocked their phone numbers, and pretended to develop split personality disorder, but that’s fine. I don’t care. I made new friends at my first stop, the Conservative Club here on campus.

They don’t have weird club activities like slumber parties, make-overs and weenie roasts – all they want in return for membership is my Republican vote, but if there is anything I learned from my years of observing Joe Jonas is that you should never give up so easily. I’m not that stupid and gullible – I’m here to find out where they stand on all the significant issues before I check any box.

I first learned that you don’t have to be a Scientologist to vote Republican which was exciting. They get one point for equality.
Then I decided I can’t let the Conservative Club persuade me, after all this is allegedly the most important election of our time and you can put a value on that, so I decided to go some where they can value my vote.well, more like put a price on it : eBay! Yup, I’m like a surrogate mother that accepts Pay Pal!

After having my auction taken down, my account suspended, and a background check, I realized that this voting thing is more involved than I first thought. What would Joe Jonas do? He wouldn’t give up, that’s for sure. I started my journey to find the next president and I heard the first step is to find out which party I belonged to. I love parties.

Finding a party was good, but it wasn’t enough. I had to sit down and study the issues.

On my sincere concern about overpopulation, I expressed how I never want the war in Iraq to be over because parking is so hard to find at GCC. They explained to me slowly and repeatedly that even if the troops do come home, not all of them will come back to Glendale.I’m so stupid; I should have known some may also go to Pasadena.

On Prop 8 I’m will vote no because there is no such thing as a “gay” (in the sense of frolicsome happiness) marriage and that is something everyone should deal with. That’s a fairy tale. Whether “gay” or “miserable” with your decision to wed your lover, I think you should stick it out. See where it takes you – especially if you have little potatoes or what you call “children.” I’m also voting yes on Prop 9 – I believe they should still use props in movies sets even if they are dangerous. They add the realism and they are pretty. Just deal with it, whiners.

On the topic where my opinion’s the strongest; the Disney feud simply known as Team Miley and Mandy vs. Demi and Selena, the Conservative Club took sides with Team Miley! Republicans-2, Democrats-0! I suspect that they support team Miley not because she’s a amazing singer and role model, but because they heard the name “Gomez” and voted for the other side. minus two points! Republicans-0, Democrats-0.

I turned my attention back to the media, and that’s when the lies started coming out. They said that I owed $10 trillion dollars in “deficit.” What’s a deficit? I bet it’s a prime number. I’m not going to lie, I got scared. I called Wells Fargo faster than Nick Hogan can drink a 6-pack. I don’t remember borrowing any money! Minus one point all around because they’re full of lies!

A president should represent the majority, and that is why I think President Bush is divine. Face it, a majority of Americans are ignorant and Diddy’s “Vote or Die” campaign didn’t work because they voted for the wrong person. But don’t be sad, be accepting. “Everybody makes mistakes and everybody has those days, everybody gets that way” -Hannah Montana “Nobody’s Perfect” 3:16.

I’m a patriot – like every other American I put the flag on my car, I lit candles on 9/11 and I looked for Osama Bin Ladin at Wal Mart. Picking the president is a big decision – one of those things that might give you buyer’s remorse, like Brangelina’s less successful adoptions. I turned my attention back to the candidates.

There is hope; whether it is hope or false hope, it’s hope nonetheless.

Hope is a chance. It’s being optimistic and faithful but I, a cheating pessimist, don’t know much about that. But here is my fear. Obama: Hope for America. Sounds great but is it a fad like going green or vegan? Are people voting for him for the wrong reasons?
If Obama stands for hope, Sarah “the Sex” Palin stands for lust.

Palin is bringing the sex back to the White House. She is also putting the “pole” in “politics.” What’s the correct way to say this? She makes me politically erect and you know what they say, “politics is like a game of poker – someone always takes their clothes off.”

Palin is the only vice presidential candidate for whom I have had ever urges to slip 20’s into her garter belt. She’s the star of my s/m dreams.

Palin is more than an Alaskan soccer mom and soon-to-be co-chair of Maverick Records. For your information, hockey moms are tough, ready, willing and able – like lesbians at a hardware store. I want to vote for Palin for President and Americas’ Next Top Model!
If she could do what she does in TV ratings to the White House, then I say let’s put America’s future in her soft and delicately strong hands. It’s like having Paula Abdul as president without her “prescription drugs.”

I only wish she wasn’t packaged with “Get a Cane for McCain” because McCain’s only concern is Joe the Plumber. Joe Six-Pack might vote for him, but what about Britney the Ballerina and Vic the Ventriloquist?
I may appear to be politically biased, but I’m really not. I just want the pretty one to win.

To those who say we’re not ready for a black president, how the hell would you prepare? I say do your stretches and squats because it’s about time.

Let’s get back to the candidates most likely to live. For now, it is between O-Bomb-a and Grumpy Spice – so I have reached my verdict.
I will neither vote Republican nor Democrat but rather start a monarchy movement with alternative monarch regent candidate. I believe this country should be run by a Queen, Queen Latifah, that way we get a black woman president!