Columnist Muses on Purity Rings, 8-year Plan and Celebs

Graig Agop

Question: How many Jonas brothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: the Jonas brothers can’t screw anything until they’re married.

That’s because the Jonas Brothers are pure. “Purity” is a concept invented by the Puritans who believed no man should be left without a nice piece of jewelry. But since rings only came in women’s sizes, Peter, king of the Puritans, prayed to Tiffany & Co. to create rings for men, and in return he would give up sexual penetration until marriage.

When it comes to getting high GPA’s, the Jonas brothers do it! It’s simple, no sex life means better scores. In fact, all three Joe-mo’s excel when it comes to their education. Though they choose not to get it up, they do keep their grades up and so can you! I believe the secret is in the rings. They have power and more purity rings are something we can all benefit from. There would be higher test scores and less STD’s from vending machines on campus. They say, “One ring to rule them all” but all I know is that ring had to be manufactured by Disney.

I have realized that the exciting life of the Jonas Brothers: Kevin, Nick, and Joe-mo, is very similar to the bisexual hobbits in The “Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

At the end of the day, aren’t they all just three little boys on an excursion to spread joy while protecting their “preciouses” from women and men who aren’t their type. So back off Selena Gomez, I ain’t telling you thrice. Nick Jonas is getting his wand nowhere near your “Waverly Place.”

But what I don’t get is how you can wear a purity ring, and then call a press conference to just talk about how much you like muffins, yeah, “blueberry ones.” Whatever! These Jomoes are kinky as hell, but can they fight the urge? Even Charlie Sheen can fight temptation if the only woman he’s around is singer, actress, and pony Demi Lavato. No one want’s to blueberry muffin her.

Speaking of blueberry muffins, I like mine the old fashion way and with caffeine, but when I ordered a tall coffee from a barista at The Coffee Bean and she was being a Venti Bee-atch.

I’m sorry I confused your 8-ounce cup of coffee for a 8-ounce cup of coffee, but everyone knows I like Starbucks in the morning and Coffee Bean at night. I should warn the Latinos about “grande.” It’s not what they think.

And I need coffee! When students ask me what academic plan I’m on here at Glendale College, I tell them I’m on the IGETC, because I want to “get C” hell out of here. But don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed to be at such a prestigious and pure campus as this.

However, I wasn’t informed that the IGETC is a gateway drug to the dreaded eight-year plan which, unfortunately, seems to be the right plan for me. On the bright side, with experience comes wisdom – thirteen semesters of freaking wisdom. Wisdom I will now share with you! No, I insist – sit down and take notes!

If GCC was a brothel, math would be the biggest b*tch here. Is your math class not adding up? Well, I have found the secret to passing any math class at GCC: just take it twice and you’re welcome!

Speaking of taking classes twice, anthropology is worse than math. Three times is the charm for this one.

As we reach mid-semester you should know that the chances of you failing your English class is actually the same percentage, statistically proven, that Michael Phelps has of breaking into Sea World and mating with Dolly the dolphin; a solid 50 percent. Someone should tell Phelps that there is no gold medal in dolphin sex, averting one disastrous scenario. As for English class, just keep in mind that if you slip up once you will end up on the streets, like Tori Spelling.

Thanks for playing with me though even though I’m sure your mother forced you. By the way, am I the only one who goes to church for celebrity sightings?
Next time we will talk politics! Also – please don’t smoke on campus. It doesn’t bother me, but it kind of makes you look like a cow. Bye! Stay pure!