Columnist Gives Semester Recap

Graig Agop

When people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I’m an actor. I play a struggling student without family issues, drug problems, eating disorders, or mathematical skills in “Glendale Community College.”

I lied, I have an eating disorder, I can’t stop eating those damned maple scones. Oh, and I never really got along with my brother and I’m addicted to prescription drugs. There you have it, oh yeah, and I’m a compulsive liar.

I’m not saying I’m the greatest actor but at least I’m not an overactor, like our very own Jose “Shermie” Aguilar. That kid acts like he’s never been on stage before in every production he’s in.

Take some lessons from the lovely, beautiful and talented Ms. Mary Claire Garcia. She never makes a fool of herself, she’s graceful as hell and she pulls off pastel colors like it’s nobody’s business. Shermie, for your next role try some Ritalin, and you’re welcome.

OMG I got my pictures back from the Glendale Police and not only did they charge $380 a photo, they are also expecting me to pay for all the photos I took, and Tabucky and I took a lot. Who do they think they are, Annie Leibovitz? Over the shoulder! I wrote no on the envelope and sent it back!

I’ve had crisper and way more original photos taken at the Glendale Galleria. Oh, and they were even in color and I didn’t have my eyes closed, rip-off’s. Tabucky is mad too. Tabucky’s dad is a lawyer. She told me her father is going sue the photo agency.

OMG did you watch the “American” Idol finale? I bet child protective services were on call. Actually, I wonder if David Archuleta is still alive. Only time will tell, I heard it takes a few days for a body to surface from the river. Unless Jeff Archuleta was smart enough to weigh down the body. You did it for him. Yeah, we know, save it for Joe Simpson.

Anthropology professor Victoria Buresch is a freaking saint. Quote me. I have the gift of telepathically receiving “energy vibes” from people’s souls, and great news! Ms. Buresch your test results came back positive! I sense this woman is the next Mother Teresa. It’s nice to see something good in today’s ugly world. I’ll drink to that. Amen.

Why do we have an aviation building with no jets? Does it have anything to do with having a baseball team with no trophies? I should look into that.

Thank freaking goodness The Justice Coalition took a breather this semester because frankly, they piss me off. Hiss. When they stage gay weddings, I want to stage straight weddings. When they put 3,000 crosses all over Plaza Vaquero, I want to use them to build a gazebo.

Don’t get me wrong I’m pro human rights but, they aren’t striving for change, they’re striving for attention, and that makes me sick. How can a group be against like virtually everything? They must take a stand. I think they should have a seat.

The Justice Coalition is child’s-play compared to the misconception that people have regarding the idea that so-called “fake people” exist. Ok, It’s a scientific fact either you’re human or your not. I’m sorry I hate to be the one to tell you but, there are such things as “fake people.”

People are what you call “fake” because they don’t really like you, and they’re so nice that they won’t say it to your face. They weren’t raised by wolves. This isn’t Beyonce. You call it fake. I call it well mannered.

It is safe to say everyone’s gone crazy. They’re all like, “gas this, and gas that.” Try gas-x, and your welcome.

Or you can do it the old fashion way and make your own gas! It’s really not that hard. My friend Tabucky’s uncle does it all the time. Come closer, here’s the recipe. Five gallons of extra virgin olive oil, a funnel, 12 sardines, three whole chickens, six potatoes, and ´ cup diced cilantro.

Deep fry the chickens whole until crisp. Then blend the sardines with the cilantro and ¨ cup of oil. Next cut potatoes into quarters and surround the chicken. Finally drizzle sauce, set oven at 350, bake for 2 hours, and voila! Chicken al la Cilantro with roasted potatoes! Yum! Now get off your ass, stop being cheap, and fill up your damn gas tank! What, did I stutter?

I hope you learned something today. Say no to Beyonce, fill up your gas tank, and say no to Beyonce. Oh, maybe, you can fill up your gas tank while saying no to Beyonce. I love multi-tasking. I hope this semester was more productive for you than it was for me.

We had teachers getting beaten; we had Armenian’s and Latino’s protesting left, right, top and bottom. Hell, we even had a black out, like Britney! It was fun fun fun! Shalom!