Hollywood Columnist Takes on Traffic Cam, Coffee Bean

Graig Agop

Are you bored on campus? Have no one to play with? Startle the help at the information desk! Play 20 questions. They love it! They’re supposed to have the answer to like everything.

So after math, I had my palm read by this not-so-gentle man. He told me I was going to be a star! He also read my horoscope: I will meet someone next Tuesday and then I will forget it ever happened. That sounds promising. I’ll wear my play clothes!

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I think the Coffee Bean across from campus is running an operation. Come closer, there is this one guy who has, like, this clipboard and he is always waiting for something. He disguises himself as the parking lot monitor, but I think he’s sketchy.

He is always on the phone saying things like, “Hola hola, bien, bien, Corolla,” which I think translates to “Is it is here? Yes, it got here 10 minutes ago. It’s Colombian. They are in bricks and I put them in the Corolla.” I don’t trust him, or maybe I don’t trust my Spanish. Maybe hola means hello.and not … OMG, maybe he really is the parking lot monitor, I should look in to that.

Welcome to GCC anonymous! What are you here for? Math! I don’t believe in mathematicians. To me it’s just like the tooth fairy and global warming. Tell me this, if there really are mathematicians, why won’t they just make math disappear? Come on I’m struggling here! If it wasn’t for math I’d be out of this place I don’t want to be, and transfer into another place I don’t want to be, so I can eventually get a job in a place where I don’t want to be. I love maple scones.

The Glendale police just installed this really-cool hi-tech drive-thru photo booth at the intersection of Verdugo Road and Mountain Street. They call it a “photo enforced light.” My friend Tabucky and I love it. We make silly faces, scream and put our hands up in the air like we do at Bugs Bunny World.

I can’t wait for the contact sheets to come in the mail. My dad’s going to be so mad when he finds out I had them re-shoot 14 times, but they should count to three before they snap.

Oh, but I found this trick, if you wait till the light is red and go through right then it will automatically take your picture! Tabucky is going to put our picture in her portfolio. She wants to be a model. The man at the information desk said Tabucky was going to be a star too!

Earth week was dreadful! No offense Monica, you’re sweet, but organic this, organic that, no thanks! I don’t swing that way. I went home and secretly destroyed four packs of paper that night for no good reason. If I’m going down, I’m taking this earth down with me!

Have you guys been to the Montrose area? I hope you have. I loose my s**t when I’m in Montrose! I walk in a fast pace looking around, franticly screaming Loralie, Loralie! I feel like I’m on the set of the Gilmore Girls, (Look it’s Jess!). Give me a bad attitude and call me Rory. I love it, but it doesn’t make much sense because they have a restraining order against me. How did I get here?

Doesn’t mass com professor Michael Eberts remind you of the rabbit in “Alice In Wonderland”? Watch out people, ’cause after class is over, he needs to get a move on. This professor is late, but after three months I never found out what actually he’s late for. He’s so nice.

People at the bus stop look so desperate waiting for the bus. You’re not going to get anywhere in life if you keep waiting. Let the bus come to you. That’s what Oprah would do, and when it gets here Oprah would sit in the front because she has rights! I learned that in history class last week.

I hope you learned something today. Now I need your help. Yes you! Say no to Beyonce. One of you look up “hola” in the dictionary, see you next issue!