Get it while it’s hot! Last issue we began picking the lock of the Cyrus closet, and in this issue we finally got it open, and it’s all coming out! Did you know Miley first took stage as Hannah Montana at the Alex Theatre here in Glendale for season one of Hannah Montana? Well she did; end of story. On to more important topics.like safety!

Miley and her father got criticized for not wearing their seat belts while driving a golf cart in the “Best of Both Worlds 3-D Movie.” I am not a safety expert, but I know wearing a seat belt over a chastity belt is just not comfortable.

Her series of Youtube videos titled “The Miley and Mandy Show,” with girlfriend Mandy Jirouex, films on location at Miley’s wing of the Cyrus house and is amazing! The video “Wakey Wakey” is straight out kinky kinky. These girls are inseparable, and thank God because these videos are cinematic gold. Can you say, “Sundance Independent Film Festival?” Yeah, it’s a thong twister.

Enough with Miley, look its Billy Ray and Tish! Let’s get them!

Miley refers to gold-digging Laticia “Tish” Finley (Mills McCartney) as her “mom.” You will begin to notice that the term “mother” is used very loosely in the Cyrus household. The real winner of this multimillion dollar baby goes to none other than Franklin, Tenn.’s Cindy Smith, a Philip Morris sales rep who got hitched and knocked up by Billy Ray faster then you can say Miley Smiley Stuart Destiny Hope Hannah Montana Ray Cyrus. Although they had a daughter (Miley), Smith allegedly couldn’t handle the pressure that came with being married to a “sex symbol,” and wanted out. If crazed Billy Ray Cyrus fans torched my hair, I might also want to look into a divorce.

But, according to a Star magazine online article, (“Miley Cyrus’ Family Secrets” March 14), “In fall 1991, Tish becomes pregnant with Destiny Hope Cyrus.” FALSE! Next they turn Smith from a Philip Morris sales rep to a “22-year-old waitress.” Things are shady in Montana, but one thing we can all agree on is Miley didn’t come out of that money-driven woman. Come on “Star” Magazine let’s get on it!

When Smith and Cyrus ended their five-year marriage, Cyrus wrote the song “Wher’m I Gonna Live.” Its vicious lyrics, inspired by “real life incidents,” are delicious. It goes as follows: “My ol’ lady’s thrown out everything I own. She meant what she said, when she wished I was dead.” Cyrus later gave Smith co-writers’ credit on the album. Now that is ugly.

Smith and Cyrus broke off their marriage in October 1991.While some reports say Smith and Cyrus divorced, other reports say Miley’s birth mom died. Died of cancer, died in a very detailed car crash, maybe died of embarrassment; with no death certificate in sight – who knows? MileyCyrus.com asks the million dollar question right above her favorite color in a friendly questionnaire “Miley’s mother died when she was young: True or false?”, But it refrains from giving us the million dollar answer we must know to get on with our lives .

I say she better be dead. If she is not, then why isn’t she coming out for a piece of the cash and a fistful of Tish? Doesn’t Miley want to meet her birth mom? Doesn’t Cindy want to get to know her daughter? How can she sit back and watch that tramp Tish raise Miley? The real question is “how much is she getting paid to keep her mouth shut?” Magazines would offer millions for a story of a star of Miley’s caliber. Cindy! Come get your million dollar baby!

Reports say Smith allegedly died when Miley was just 2 years old. They also said Miley loved performing songs on stage with her father. at two. If a two-year-old can memorize lyrics to a song, she should be able recognize that they preformed the old Hannah Montana switch-a-roo on her. The creepy part is Billy Ray claims “They’re better friends now then they ever were.” Yeah, I’m going to go with the whole “she’s dead” theory.

Miley also has four step- and half- brothers and half- sisters. Some belong to Billy Ray. Some belong to Tish. Some belong to Billy Ray and Tish, and some they just adopted for fun, but one thing they all have in common is their all bastards. Older half brother, half sister Trace Cyrus looks like Dave Navarro, Slash, and Ursula “The Little Mermaid”‘s spawn. He has more piercings than a bass lure and looks like Kat Von D threw up ink all over his boney pail body. Something had to have happened to drive this southern boy to darkness. Or is he just homesick for the hills of Tennessee?

Trace is in the pop-rock band Metro Station. The bands followers include transgender My Space diva Jefree Star and Miley herself. This metro station only has two stops: one is in Trans-America and the other one’s in Brokeback Mountain. Fish tacos anyone? You know. fish tacos are good.

With what’s happened to yesterday’s child stars today, some people think there is only one direction left for Miley to go–and that is down. Oh pun!

MSN’s Martha Brockenbrough thinks Miley is “the next Britney.” Calm your horses, you horse. Miley does not have enough time to get married to a loser, have two kids, develop a drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, go completely insane, develop a British accent, hit up three gas stations a night, meet strange men, and make dramatic entrances into hospitals while fighting for custody. She is busy with, like, her career. Besides, I just can’t picture her “How I Meet Your Mother.”

Brockenbrough insists that if kids are missing school to see a concert, they should see something that will help them develop “taste.” She would prefer that you treat your kids to the performances of “world class artists.”

I would prefer that she stops writing.
She then says there is only one point to dressing sexy and that is to attract sex partners.” That’s hilarious. If that’s true, Miley was seducing thirty-thousand infants, five times a week, for the last four months. What a whore!

Don’t get me wrong: I love Hannah Montana. Her inspirational hymns like “Life’s What You Make it” and “Nobody’s Perfect” get me through the day. Hell, I wake up to a Hannah Montana alarm clock every morning. But if you smell fish, you smell fish.

I hope this was as satisfying for you as it was for me. Next time we will get the Jonas Brothers! Those girls better run! As for Hannah, there are, no doubt, still many more secrets under that cheap wig of hers, but you can all sleep better knowing we’re on to her and Beyonce.