Miley’s Secrets Revealed: Cyrus Enjoys Best Of Both Worlds

Graig Agop

In recent months, controversial teen role model Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana, has been the subject of “Stalker to the Stars” columnist Graig Agop’s poison pen. In part 1 of a 2-part column, he lets some of the skeletons out of her closet.

People of color, I come bearing controversy. Something smells like fish in Montana and I’m not talking hygiene. The skeletons in the upstairs closet of the spacious $6.2 million, six-bed, six-bath Cyrus household, along with Miley Cyrus, are dying to come out.

What else is in this closet you ask? How about six personalities, nine names, a Hannah Montana body double, racy web photos and Youtube videos, a cross-dressing stepbrother, a swanky skanky stepmom, linens, towels, and sheets, three more half-step- children, a dead mother cover-up or extremely hideous divorce and the second most successful show dad since Joe Simpson.

That makes this a really big closet and ties Cyrus for first place for “most scandalous Disney star” alongside Vanessa Hudgens.

Miley Smiley Stuart Destiny Hope Hannah Montana Ray Cyrus. Isn’t that a mouth full? At this point you can call her anything and statistics show she will turn around. With the hand full of names comes a fist full of personalities – six to be exact. Wow.that’s six more than Beyonce.

When Cyrus isn’t busy writing “over one hundred songs,” she loves playing with her pets-eight horses, six dogs, two cats, chickens, a fish, and her best friend Lesley.
With all the thrusting, dry humping and shirt lifting we’re seeing on stage, and sexually frustrated mouth to mouth licorice swapping, three girls one tub action, private Sports Illustrated swim suite inspired photo sessions and impromptu oral sex impressions we’re seeing off-stage, it is safe to say that we are currently in the presence of Destiny Hope Cyrus.

Destiny is now legally Miley Ray Cyrus. All you needed to know about Destiny Hope is she will take the world by storm and stimulate your body with the newly released suductive and raunchy s/m track, entitled “See You Again.”

This song will lift Cyrus’s solo career to new heights and have your heart beating ’til the last note.’ Hannah Montana stirs up her own share of controversy as well. This genius decided to get a body double and switch just before the last song of her set titled “Party With Us” less than a minute before the song is over. To do this in front of 30,000 fans, every night of the 45-date tour is fierce and fearless. She definitely has got nerve.

While watching her 3-D movie (“Best of Both Worlds”) for the 13th time, I had an epiphany. During the song “Let’s Dance,” Cyrus looked more uncomfortable in that hideous black and neon green lace hoop skirt than Ellen Page did wearing a dress to the Oscars. She likes the “best of both worlds” on and off the screen, if you know what I mean.

Cyrus admires Hilary Duff. Too bad she’s barking up the wrong tree. Whoa, now that was below the tool belt! She sings about “girls night outs” and she collects bikes. How butch! I think she and her “best friend,” Lesley, are more than best friends! She is the Gale to her Oprah Winfrey.

So what empirical evidence is there? The first episode of Hannah Montana is titled “Lily, do you want to know a secret?” Add the soft-core girl-on-girl internet photos and Youtube videos and you have a case. Besides, what three girls would be doing in one bathtub blows my mind. Yet, it’s very tongue in cheek. Take it as you may; I take it that maybe she’s gay. But don’t worry kids, Hannah Montana is as straight as a strip club dance pole. Disney made sure of that. Suddenly you don’t want to pay the two thousand dollars for your daughter to sit in the third row, do you?

Speaking of lesbians, Cyrus is heartless. What hurts is that she has no compassion towards those little girls reaching out for her on stage. The empty look in her eyes shows us that her life has become a drill. From city to city, venue to venue. Is it too much too soon?

When you look at all that she has achieved in such a short amount of time, it’s just astonishing. She is one of the first schizophrenics to complete a national tour, and then gross $29 million in a 3-day weekend in the box office. That’s $26 million more than the bland U2 concert “3-D,” which probably couldn’t sell tickets because people in the previous showing slipped into a coma. Add that to an extremely successful show, albums and tour, which was the hardest ticket to buy in 2007. That’s a whole lot to handle for an alleged “15-year-old;”15 going on 40, if you ask me.

You’re still hungry for more aren’t you? Join us next issue as we hold our breath and sneak back into that closet and meet Cyrus’ family! Yum!