Judge Judy Justice

MARC KOZAK
The Daily Vidette
Illinois State University

(U-WIRE) NORMAL, Ill. — Way back on Dec. 13, 2003, United States forces captured former Iraqi President and Gillette Mach 3 Razor Spokesperson Saddam Hussein.

Almost three years later and conveniently two days before U.S. elections, Saddam’s verdict was told to the world Sunday. To no one’s surprise, Hussein was found guilty and will be executed by the low-tech method of hanging.

The proceedings were anything but smooth —lawyers were assassinated, many international legal experts expressed doubts regarding the trial’s neutrality and sometimes Saddam didn’t show up to court if he didn’t feel like it. Try getting away with that last one here in America.

While it makes sense for the trial to be held in Iraq, we could’ve had it done within less than 30 minutes had we held it here in America.

Consider the following court transcript:

VOICEOVER: You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom. This is Judge Judy.

BAILIFF HAWKINS: Order! All rise!

ANNOUNCER: Iraqi officials are suing former president Saddam Hussein for the amount of $400 for a brutal 1980s Anfal campaign against Kurds and stealing the last can of Mountain Dew from the refrigerator.

BAILIFF HAWKINS: Be seated! Your honor, this is case number 178, Hussein v. Humanity.

Representing humanity will be an uptight mother of two children, since that seems to be the majority of plaintiffs we have here. The parties have been sworn in.

JUDGE JUDY: Irrelevant and nonchalant banter, hey Bailiff Hawkins?
BAILIFF HAWKINS: Fake smile and affirmative response, judge!

BAILIFF and JUDGE: (Forced laughter)

JUDGE JUDY: Okay, let’s see what we have here. Uptight mother, why don’t you tell me what happened.

MOTHER: Well your honor, the Kurdish people were just protesting Hussein’s regime in northern Iraq, when the Hussein administration, in an effort to maintain control of uprisings, started killing tens of thousands of people, many of them women and children.

HUSSEIN: That’s absurd! I do not respond to this so-called court. This is all theatre. The real criminal is Bush, end of story.

JUDGE JUDY: Hey, I’ve got a story for you. It’s called “The Day I Punched the Former President of Iraq.” Zip it!

HUSSEIN: I am the president of Iraq. I retain my constitutional right as the president of-

JUDGE JUDY: Hey! Look at me. Look at me. I’ll take my van to the junkyard when I want a load of garbage. You got that, Mr. Ex-President? Continue, uptight mother.

MOTHER: Well, after a team of Human Rights Watch investigators analyzed documents, soil samples, and over 350 witnesses, the attacks were deemed as a gross violation of human rights.
These attacks included mass executions, use of chemical weapons, imprisonment of tens of thousands, and destruction of roughly two thousand villages, your honor.

It’s pretty simple. The guy is absolutely insane and needs to be punished.

HUSSEIN: I do not recognize your claims as they have all been built on false basis. I am still the president of the republic and the occupation cannot-

JUDGE JUDY: Listen mighty mouth, I’ve got brand new 4-inch heels that were shined by the shoe polish of justice with your face written all over them. Right here. Understood?

SADDAM: But I-

JUDGE JUDY: But, but, but, but, but, but! Sit back and watch, Princess, because I’m ready to rule.

BAILIFF HAWKINS: Lay it down, judge.

JUDGE JUDY: The court rules in favor of humanity. Ex-president Hussein will be forced to live in Branson, Missouri and try to find someone actually willing to hire him while fearing constantly for his safety because everyone will likely try to kill him.

Also, he owes the uptight mother $0.99 for the stolen Mountain Dew.

Case dismissed!