I’d wager to say that Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11” contains more spankings than John Ashcroft’s entire hard drive (with Moore’s discipline being of a figurative and far less giggly nature). Why in fact, if I were President Bush and was allowed permission from my pappy and cabinet to see this film, my verdict would be along the lines of, “This movie no good for Georgie. Needie vacation.”

Moore brings up question after question, all with the general theme of “What the heck is going on with our country and the people who are running it?” One such inquiry looks at the peculiar connections between the Bush family and friends and their business ties. For example, the company that Vice President Dick “F-Bomb” Cheney used to be CEO of is one that happens to profit enormously when our country is at war. Hmmm. Furthermore, with our leaders trying to scare our pants and panties off with orange and red terror alerts, why are matches and lighters still allowed on airplanes? Tobacco company influence? Oh poppycock.

Oh but wait, rewind, I forgot — Michael Moore is supposed to be a raging-mad publicity maniac who lies and screams and harasses the good leaders of our country with (gasp) requests for interviews, (eek) complaints in the written form and (oh no he didn’t!) films raising questions that every American should be asking. He even neglected to thank his back waxer and dogwalker in his Oscar speech in favor of voicing his evildoing opinion about his country. And I hear he once voted for Ralph Nader. Security!

Ahh, that makes it all so much easier to swallow, doesn’t it? Let’s call Michael Moore a liar, manipulasaurus or shifty strategerist and move on to more pertinent news. Britney might be pregnant! Did anyone by chance see Brit amidst that Michael Moore propagandist reel? She said how we should just trust the president of the United States. You go girl.

I would trust the president as well if Michael Moore would just admit that his entire “documentary” was done entirely with CG graphics, voice impersonators, robots, poodles and evildoer moonshine.

Until then though, there are some pretty haunting images and issues in “Fahrenheit 9/11” that are a tad bit hard to ignore. And a lot of them are clips that Michael Moore had nothing to do with the filming of — he just amassed them.

Take, for instance, those clips of the Bush administration’s Condoleezza Rice from a couple of years ago in which she assures us how Saddam Hussein poses no threat to the United States and how our country has him contained. You know, those clips followed by more recent footage of her and her accomplices saying how Iraq all of a sudden has WMD and poses imminent danger. Something’s fishy, or is that just fatty Michael Moore’s fish stick-greasy fingers toying with the George W. voice modulator and finger puppet?

What about the footage of George W. Bush giving that speech to all of his rich friends? You know, the one where he calls them an “impressive crowd — the haves and have mores.” Are there any Americans out there who don’t take this as a slap in the face? If so, why not? Is President Bush’s smugness charming? Or was this clip just “used out of context,” and if so, what context would this be appropriate in?

In the end, “Fahrenheit 9/11” was the most depressing film I’ve ever seen because my sniffling and shortness of breath were being caused by images of real people: injured soldiers back from war, corporate weasels profiting from war, families mourning the death of their children, lying politicians, the poverty stricken everywhere, Middle Eastern families bombed out of their homes, a man being beheaded, and every soldier from every country whose life could end at any moment. It’d be kind of hard for Michael Moore to put a spin on all of these images, so maybe their sadness is something we can all agree on and then work backwards from there, asking a question or two or 5,000 along the way.

There’s not enough space here for a Christopher Hitchens-esque reBUTTal, but to those Michael Moore haters, I challenge you to go watch “Fahrenheit 9/11” without listening to a word Moore says. Just listen to the stock footage of the Bush administration players — Cheney, Powell, Rice, Rumsfeld and Dubya (the latter of whose clips should be aired as a primetime sitcom) and see if things don’t seem just a little stinky. Then again, it could just be Michael Moore’s huge pile of fish sticks — he is after all, a crazy fat man.

In the film’s last scene, listen to the audience laughs that the president of the United States garners for being a twiddling rube. We’re the most powerful country in the world yet our leader is tease-able for his level of intelligence. Perhaps the opposition is right in saying this film shouldn’t be called a documentary. It seems to be more of a horror.

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