Mike Mozart/ Creative Commons
The Starbucks kiosks on the campus of Glendale Community College are releasing a new Adderall-infused coffee beverage in preparation for the rigors of final exams.
This latest addition to the menu of the world-renowned coffee company is being lauded as an innovative and progressive step in potentially helping students achieve academic success while also quenching their ravenous taste for not just caffeine, but amphetamine-based study drugs.
“We’re proud to introduce this new line of coffee beverages to the campus,” said GCC President Brian Weltz.
“We see that many of our students are hopelessly dependent on both caffeine and ADHD medications, so we figured that we could streamline the process and just combine the two.”
In order to legally sell what are normally prescription-only medications, federal regulators have ordered the campus Starbucks who are selling those particular drinks to apply for a special license.
The Starbucks on campus that have attained the license will be rebranding the company name to “StarbucksRx” to reduce confusion among those just looking for a non-amphetamine-based cup of Joe.
“I love the idea,” said 22-year-old engineering major Katherine Gomez, who is in her second year at Glendale Community College and fifteenth year on prescription Adderall medication. “These drugs are already handed out like candy by most doctors, might as well just have Starbucks mix it up in my twice-daily venti mocha pumpkin spice frappuccino with extra whipped cream.”
To combat StarbucksRx’s new line of beverages, competitor Coffee Bean has teamed up with Novartis Pharmaceuticals to come out with their own line of coffee drinks with an extra kick – this time byway of Ritalin.
Initial results of the new addition’s effects on the academic environment in early-phase group studies had come back promising.
Test scores were up across the board, as well as professor-reported student attentiveness during classroom lectures.
Although, reports of heart palpitations were up by 76 percent and sweaty palms up by 64 percent.
“Nobody seems to shut the hell up once they get the chance to talk, either,” said philosophy major Jonathan Carroll, a member of one of the initial test groups.
Not all campus feedback has been positive. School cafeteria workers and local food joints who depend on student expenditures have protested the move, contending that a stark decrease in customer purchases could come about, as the Adderall-based coffee beverages stymie all but the most intense of appetites.
“At least I’m finally losing weight,” quipped student Jessica Lanza. “Thanks Shire Pharmaceuticals!”
Ken Allard can be reached at [email protected]