The Glendale Community College campus bookstore will now accept student tears as a payment option for purchases as of Spring semester of 2018.
All items in the campus bookstore can now be paid for via TearsDirect, a new, prototype payment system that collects student tears and accepts them as a viable currency.
“We have been listening to our students over the past few years, and we’ve decided to make some changes regarding payment options,” said Lori Godfrey, assistant manager for the bookstore. “TearsDirect can now be used by GCC students short on cash, or those lacking in credit, to attain the textbooks needed to potentially pass their classes.”
TearsDirect is a small, start-up company out of Silicon Valley. Student tears are collected in a sample vial by the students themselves, then handed over either to the employee doing the checkout services, or, in the case of self-checkout, the vial can be placed into the machine for quick processing.
“Not everyone has money these days,” said TearsDirect CEO Samuel Green. “But everyone has sweet, salty tears – especially struggling students.”
Just like with cash, students can transfer tears to one another’s TearsDirect account in the event that one comes up short on payment.
For quick payment, students can collect their tears ahead of time, such as while at their part-time job or in bed at home, thinking about the impending despair of crushing student debt. Students can also pay on-the-spot at the register after, for example, viewing the textbook prices in-person or their Sallie Mae accounts
“This is actually a fantastic idea,” said sophomore Katherine Dominguez, who is in the nursing program at Glendale College. “Previously, when looking to buy my books, I’d have to either give up an arm or a leg, which would kind of interfere with my ability to study. But now I can just give them my tears, and there’s definitely enough to go around.”
In addition to TearsDirect, the campus bookstore is looking into other options to ease the burden on students. According to sources familiar with the process, administrative officials are considering adding Prozac and Xanax medication to bookstore shelves.
“This is really a bit of a trial run, in regards to this new program,” said Charles Boykin, a TearsDirect official who is in charge of implementing the service at GCC.
“Student cash is great, students tears are even better. But this is just a step in the process – eventually we’ll look to expand our company into the lucrative student soul business.”
Ken Allard can be reached at [email protected]