Dylan A. Bryant
It’s the time of the year when we all board the big yellow struggle bus and head off to another semester of higher learning. In 16 fun-filled weeks, we will do things like work on important projects in dysfunctional groups, learn math but not the kind that will help you count cards in Vegas, and write 20-page papers on the life stages of fungi while not being able to cite Wikipedia as a credible source. Here are some tips to help you survive:
Get Plenty of Sleep
The sweet sensation of shut eye will be scarce as soon as the semester gets underway, so get as much of it as you can now, before the heap of homework is so large that it takes up most of your bed. Unfortunately, the campus renovations didn’t include any progressive office-style nap pods, so you’ll have to get creative when catching a short snooze.
Manage your Energy Level
Caffeine is a great way to patch the holes in your sleep schedule. You’re always just a measly $5 and a few slurps away from being intoxicated with motivation. Need to level up your artificial energy game even more? Energy drinks like Red Bull coursing through your veins will power you through your studying and still leave you energy to vacuum the curtains. Bonus: this is the time to accumulate coffee rewards quickly and cash them in, to score free drinks.
Biggest lie you tell yourself: “I’ll just watch a little Netflix and then I’ll get started.” The popular streaming service is the arch enemy of all productivity. Entire intellectual breakthroughs have been lost to an unharnessed Netflix addiction. The only way to release its tight grip on your attention is to use hypnosis to push it into the depths of your subconscious. Have it set up so when someone says “Thank God finals are over,” you’ll suddenly remember Netflix exists and you can happily binge watch your summer away
Eat Foods that Lower Stress
Everyone knows the food pyramid for college students is different from that of the rest of society. When your focus is on developing your mind, your body will make certain changes to allow foods it would normally reject. Luckily, in these extreme circumstances our bodies will naturally derive nutrients from traditionally unhealthy foods. For example, ketchup and relish are basically the same thing as a leafy green salad.
Making time for activities that relieve stress is essential to your mental health. Take a goat pajama yoga class, talk to yourself out loud on the street, pay to have a thousand needles stabbed into your pressure points, blast death-metal music in your cramped apartment and even dress up as a deranged clown to scare the living daylight out of people after dark. Whatever keeps that boat of yours afloat.
Enlist Help from a Student Tutor
Get all of your questions answered by someone who is just as stressed and lost as you. Tutors are conveniently available at a low cost or for free by the school, due to their very recent knowledge of the coursework and their absence of teaching credentials or formal training. Nevertheless, it’s help you cant refuse. You may even form a bond with this person over your mutual suffering. Everything’s easier when you’re in it together!
Break Up With your Gf/Bf, You’re Busy
Getting that degree is your only love now. But don’t worry about being lonely, your studies will always be close by your side. You homework will accompany you on fancy dinner dates, late candle-lit nights (please refrain from burning your notes indoors), and on any weekend getaway. Channel all your leftover hormones into scouting for a summer fling instead.